I am finding it a strange thing, when your life dream, with your dream lover, dream person, dream moments, dream of northern lights, after a dream recovery that comes from a few moments that seem like a far off dream.
A nightmare that proved to make me who I am. A dreamer.
When I find myself in this current dream situation like I am currently, I am having my first struggling head moment. A lot of negativity swirling around while laying beside Lindsey rubbing her legs.
A fleeting thought, just after my admitting dark thoughts, around drinking popped into my head. Not that I wanted it, but in admitting dark thoughts were coming in, my mind went there.
Not surprisingly it was just a vanishing thought. I have had no issue with it in over 16 months.
Could it be the darkness, literally. Could it be the dream I put this up to be that is making me not enjoy my time.
Is it that I wanted it to be so perfect and picturesque and it is not.
It is a small village with not much happening in the Arctic circle.
Is it because I planned all of these adventures and as of now I have no control over wether one more happens.
Weather being the culprit, of course it is, it’s the Arctic.
Wether Lindsey is laying beside me thinking what the fuck am I doing up here, ok, northern lights.... not happening, let’s get the fuck out of here.
In a place so dark all day, looking for light and not being afforded it, then lay down for bed and a light comes on, is it a bright light?
No, just a dull orange yellow light guiding guests down a path to the river, is it bright as shit, helping with my lack of being tired, yes.
Dreams, daydreams, night dreams, constant running in my mind, this is where tonight’s darkness is coming from. That urge and desire to travel to these places forever, and get paid to do it, to experience it, to write about it, how it affects you, and how you effect you.
These are moments of reflection not many are awarded. This never ending, until Thursday, darkness.
Not in my mind, I hope, I will kick this out of here, hopefully,
This mind shut off and introspection in this serene cabin is bringing up some introspection I was not expecting.
I was dreaming, this would be a place we would think and dream of for the rest of our lives. To come back here and see it one more time. A dream. Me, you, you, I, dream ourselves back to Nuorgam, this is where her dreams came true, a dream moment, a dream life, a dream question to ask, to share the moment every person dreams of. I have more nights for this dream to come to, tonight’s dream is darkness
I want the calm, I want the tranquil back...
This was written in a cabin in Nuorgam, Finland last December. It was night two of a seven day stay in the Arctic Circle.
I had been worried about the dark nights I had heard of by so many in their sobriety story. I was fortunate until this night, and fortunate that after this night, I have not had another night this dark.
Today I am 27 months sober.
823 days since my last double rum and coke and shot of jäger at Charlotte airport.
1 dark night in those days...
The darkness I felt in this moment was brought on by the literal darkness we were surrounded by.
We would get around 4 or 5 hours of what is called polar night. Basically the equivalent of an extended sunset. Gorgeous, but it takes a while to get used to, even for a night owl like myself.
This night, I was not looking to drink, but I understood fully why so many drink heavily in areas of the world with hours and months of darkness like these.
Thankfully I was able to compose myself. Sit up and type these thoughts into my phone.
I know this coming winter is going to be a tough time with lockdowns and cold weather. Ability to get outside will be far less frequent.
I encourage everyone to channel those dark feelings into something beautiful.
Reach out to friends when you are in need. Be there for your friends who are going to be struggling. Mental health in these times will be greatly challenged and as always, it is incredibly important to take care of yours.